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I’ve recently been feeling like the cloud of great despair has lifted. Not that all are aware of this cloud, but mostly it’s in my own head.

About 6 weeks ago I started on Celexa, which I feel has helped me lift out of this fog, or whatever you want to call it. I have been a much happier and less moody person. A much happier me = a much happier boyfriend, kids, and all around greatness. I’m not saying that depending on a pill should make you happy, but for me it works, and if something works, I’m all for it. So the naysayers, can.. suck it!

Last night was my last Burlesque class until April 17th where I start the more ‘advanced’ class and I must say that the experience has been an eye opener for my personal development. Mostly, it has beengreat for my self esteem.

Being a very curvy and voluptuous woman (and dare I say somewhat overweight), I have learned that no one really cares what you look like when you’re stripped down to your skivvies. Infact, we all look at each other in amazement and awe, that holy SHIT we are all pretty much naked in front of each other and that is okay. I know that in real life, we are all in judgment of each other, but I shall ignore it from now on. Or at least try to. The girls in my class have done nothing but compliment me and each other and it’s genuine. We can all learn from that.

My ultimate goal is not to be skinny. It’s to be healthy. And if this is the body I’m going to be healthy in and I’m a size 14, well then that’s what it’s going to be and I’m going to love and embrace it. Though deep down inside I yearn to be a 10. See? Lovely psychological self esteem issues rearing it’s ugly head. I don’t think it’s wrong to want to lose weight or to be a certain way, I just can’t be someone I’m not. I am me, and that’s who I am and I LOVE WHO I AM, damnit.

Twirling pasties is not as easy as one thinks with these boulders, but I’ll get the hang of it soon.

When I’m in Vegas next week, I will prance about in my bikini and not give 2 damns about anyone else.

With that said, signing off for now.

Love,

Gina. Aka Minnie Peron.

You know, a blog should be something that shouldn’t be controversial among friends and family. A blog should be somewhere you can put your feelings without feeling the wrath of others or how they feel.

If people just realized it isn’t about them all the time, the world would be a better place. I don’t even think my Love reads my blog most of the time. I wish he did.

I’m two weeks in on weaning off my prozac and I’m feeling; sensitive (overly), attacked (by the stupidest things), picked on, hurt, angry, sad, happy, etc. It’s not great fun and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. One can only hope that after this 2 week wean that the Celexa will be a better option for me. One can only hope.

I ‘write’ in my blog because writing before somewhere privately got me in trouble. So now it’s public and I have nothing to hide. And yet, the feeling that you’ve just written something that can be picked apart by someone is not so awesome, but again, people will make it about them and then la dee da what will you do.

It’s hard when you have to explain yourself so much to people who don’t really understand what goes on in your brain. In fact, I do not think that anyone other than myself really knows this little tidbit. Or as I say like to say.. TIDBITZ.

My therapist told me that not everything is an attack on me. Just because I FEEL like it’s an attack, it’s not. And then what?

And then nothing, I just go on with my life and try not to take anything personally (OHMYGODSOHARD) and not feel feelings (SOEASY!!!)

I am going to Burlesque class tonight where by the end of 7 weeks I will learn to give my Love a proper sexy dance. I am very excited to potentially get half naked in a room full of other women that would like to do the same. There is nothing wrong with SEX and nothing wrong with wanting to be SEXY and be naked and stuff. As I get older, I love the sexiness of being sexy and SEX.

And then I will look like Jayne Mansfield by the end of it.

Oh, so you know that the kids these days, they use COUGH MEDICINE? Oh why oh why oh why do you want to feel that way?

Thursday I came home from work – I took some Nyquil. Sleepytime. I drift in and out of sleepies. It feels nice. Yes, so niiceZzzzz…

Thursday night – I take some more NyQuil. Nyquil helps you get your Zzzzz’s. Nyquil also makes you feel like THERE IS A BIG EARTHQUAKE AND YOUR BRAIN IS ON FIRE AND OH MY GOSH I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS WHERE ARE MY LEGZZZZ?? No, there wasn’t an earthquake, but there was one in Japan the next morning. COINCIDENCE? Most likely.

Friday, oh wonderful Friday I am going to drink some more Nyquil so I can sleep all day. Oh yeah, that’s when your body starts reverberating and your whole body becomes a vibrator of life. I am vibrating. I do not like this. Oh, shit, I can’t feel my legs or my arms. Do I have legs? My fingers, where are they?

Saturday: Shiiiit, I’m going to pop some Dristan to stay awake, and no more Nyquil until night time sleepy times. I get in the car to drive and I feel like it’s another body driving the car when SLAM the teenager backs into my car. All is well, I’m still alive.

Sunday: I have a cough. A loud unnerving cough that makes me projectile vomit into the toilet from coughing up 5 lungs. Look what’s in the cupboard, GENERIC REXALL BRAND COUGH EXPECTORANT! Yeah! Score! No, no score. NO NO NO. All day I felt like my brain was discombobulated. I don’t know what heroin or crack is like, but I could only imagine I had a mild case of the shakes. My whole day was an out of body experience. Was that me driving the car? Did I leave the door open while I poo’ed? Ugh, what is going ON? Why did I watch a documentary about guys obsessed with Tiffany? WHY?

Today is Monday. Monday means I drink green ginger tea and also take nin jiom, the natural stuff. I do not feel like I’m smoking crack and I can also feel my legs.

I am going to put this one down as the most awesomest weekends of my life.

A couple things.

I made a decision to put my Photography on hiatus.

1. I don’t market myself, ever. I don’t pimp myself out as hard as others.
2. Friends don’t ask for photo’s anymore, and that’s okay. I’m still here, just not so out there about it.
3. I’ve become lazy and also have found other hobbies.
4. My camera is getting REALLY old and I need new equipment. The goal is to do all of this in the next year.
5. I don’t even know that I want to do it anymore. Time changes, and I might change my mind. Who knows?

I’m still going to do ad-hoc projects if need be, but right now, I have no portfolio online. I don’t know if this is all a good thing or not. It just is.

In other news, I am alive.

ALIVE! Things are going quite well. I am on the road to paying off my debt (end of April 2012, baby!)

My job is great. I was just promoted. I am now not only the assisted to the VP of Operations, I am the office administrator, which kind of makes me a manager, but I’m working my way up. It feels good to be needed and to get the recognition. I have a lot of support from coworkers and the employees here, which makes it that much more fantastic. I’m looking forward to learning all about how to be a Manager and what not to do/what to do and all that jazz.

I’m also looking forward to my Vegas vacation in April, a potential  California trip in summer, a family vacation to who knows where in the fall, and maybe next year I will FINALLY go to Argentina. Dreams!

Also, I am completely in love with Jayne Mansfield. I want to look like a 50′s starlet all the time. That’s my goal. It’s silly, but that’s who I am. I bought a starlets book for Christmas for myself and every once in a while I like to leaf through and pick who I’m in love with that day. Lately, it’s Jayne.

One is going to be 11 in 1 day.

One is going to be 5 in 1.5 months.

I struggle. I struggle with my own intuition. How is it going to work (yes, I still ask this question)? We’re not a conventional family.

I’ve known the oldest since she was 6 and the youngest since she was 10 months old. I’ve been with Darcy for 4.5 years. We’re not married, but we may as well be (without the legal papers of course).

I struggle with the fact that I’m not perfect.

I wonder if they think I’m crazy? Why do they want to spend all this time with me? Why do they follow me around like puppy dogs? They must love me. No no no they must absolutely abhor me and it’s all a farce.

Internal dialogue is a bitch sometimes, isn’t it?

It’s just this: the kids love me. They respect me (most of the time). I discipline them as if they were my own. They have a mother, a father, and an extra parent which is hard for them. Of course it’s hard for them! How could it not be? I’m sure it’s also fun for them too. I know it’s fun for them.

But it’s not always fun for me.

My favourite part? When I come home and I see 2 children through the window, excited that I’m about to walk in the door. And then I get hugs (mostly from the youngest, since the oldest is not that affectionate!), and love. Hugs and Love and Excitement because I CAME HOME. CAN YOU TELL HOW EXCITING THAT IS? And if I’m in a bad mood, it goes away, because how can you not LOVE getting so much attention and excitement from 2 little beings?!

And through all the bad (which isn’t all that bad), there is so much good. So much love.

For us:
Yes, we struggle.
Yes, we sometimes can’t agree on how to parent.
Yes, we can’t agree on bed times.
Yes, I ask the ex-wife for advice at times.
Yes, I end up making him look like the bad guy.
Yes, I am the bad guy a lot of the time.
Yes, this is all perfectly normal and HEALTHY, right?

It’s been a while.

A long while to make a lot of decisions on how life is going to be.

I realized that I can’t always say what I want. Sometimes it gets me into trouble.

But I can think the way I want and also, I can be me. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with being myself. Not changing for others.

Adapting is a different story, but alas.

——–

Recently, I have had a big weight lifted off my shoulders. Now, the argument (well there is no argument really) is that we shouldn’t be dancing on other people’s ‘graves’.  In this case though, I did.

I have not been a big advocate of telling the world about my life, because sometimes you tell the wrong people and they use it against you. This is not going to be something that can be used against me though.

On to the story. My awful horrible Stepfather was an awful horrible person. He did awful, horrible and yucky things to me.  For many years I’ve wondered if he was still in Seattle (where I grew up, where my Mom married him). I would always google his name. Nothing came up, ever. Finally something did and it was on a website where you can look up public records.

Well, I looked up his criminal history last week (yes I paid for it, sometimes curiosity is the best satiation one can receive in life). And I noticed a lot of charges that didn’t surprise me.

Domestic Violence charges (which got dropped by his baby mama because he was going to anger management classes.)
DUI’s up the yingyang!
Criminal Traffic offences (driving without a license – SHOCKING!)
Drug Trafficking!

Basically, there were 47 charges against him in some form.

And then the charges somehow trickled away.. the last one was in 2006. So I thought, okay it’s not up to date.

The next morning I thought there is no way he’s still alive. He’s dead. He’s gotta be dead. All of this has killed him. My intuition is pretty good.

Then I did some more digging, I found his name listed in one of the papers. An obituary. He died November 7th, 2011 in Tacoma, Washington.  His age & birthdate matched. It was him. OH MY GOSH IT WAS HIM AND HE IS DEAD.

I cried out of closure and relief. He will never be able to hurt me again. He’ll never find me. I’ll never have to track him down. He’s dead. Joy of all joys, he got what was coming to him. He still haunts me in my dreams (nightmares).

I never wished death upon anyone. And maybe in his life he asked for forgiveness. But you know what? These are things you will never forget. You can never forget the child you hurt. The pain you caused families. The threats, the lies, the drugs, the everything. You can’t forget that.

One thing I will remember is the day he died. It’s etched in my brain. I don’t know what he died from (and I don’t care, though I can only imagine what…), but all I know is that there is a part of my life that has been a little bit better because he won’t be ABLE TO HURT ANYONE ELSE. No, I’m not healed because he’s dead, but I’m relieved. There is a difference.

Now, I can only imagine that people that will need to be healed from the pain he caused them. Including me. I’m still dealing with it, 15 years later. This is why therapy is necessary. This is why talking about it helps. This is why I wrote this blog post. This is why I hate rape jokes (they aren’t funny, AT ALL). This is why… a lot of things.

As Socrates once said:

“Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.”

RIP.

p.s. if you ever feel like referencing, look up this blog post: In A Nutshell

I am always amazed when I go on vacation how different things are for different people.

Here I am, living in my little safe bubble, and there are people out there who don’t even know how to keep themselves in their own bubble.

Never have I witnessed such horrible (mostly food) parenting as I did when I was in Disneyland. I’m a judger, I judge. I’ll make no mistake about that. Sure, I give the kids candy sometimes, but when I saw a mother giving her children BIG HUGE CHOCOLATE COOKIES for breakfast at 9am inside the park, I died inside a little. I know I KNOW, you’re on vacation.. live a little right? ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

When I saw a very obese 3 year old munching on a big huge lollipop following her big obese parents, I wanted to punch them all in the face, except the child of course. Instead of wanting to help the parents, I wanted to send them to bootcamp.

Granted, I am not all that, but I could be about 10 bags of chips, I am not perfect either or skinny, but I am healthy! This is the problem – there is no way that these people don’t know that their children (and them) are getting fat because of their bad eating habits. It’s common sense.

Another thing I witnessed in Disneyland. Obese people on scooters.

You wouldn’t need a scooter if you stopped eating. Is that horrible that I think this way? Am I thinking outloud too much?

All of this has definitely made me more aware of my own self and how I treat my stepchildren – food wise and behaviour wise.

Bottom line is, if parents really cared about their children’s health, they would stop this nonsense. “Oh he only eats chicken nuggets.” No, he doesn’t. You only FEED HIM chicken nuggets.

I can brag a little that our kids eat every single thing we put in front of them. Because they were raised to not be picky and eat what’s in front of them. Sure, kids go through phases and don’t want to eat certain things, but ours eat mostly everything. That makes it so easy for us and when we go out as well.

So, I’m thankful for a world of smart and awesome people who do well on purpose. And hopefully nobody takes offense to how I feel on this subject. But I’m sure I am not the only one with this opinion in this world…

Healthy Little Girls

The worst thing you could ever do to yourself is Google your symptoms. I remember the second time I saw my new Dr., she asked me “What do you think is wrong with you?” When I was convinced I had Celiac’s disease. And I said, well, Dr. I googled my symptoms… Errrrrr… She stopped me right there.

Don’t ever do it, just don’t.

Let’s back up 10 days ago, I started feeling funny. Now, I’m lucky and have an auto immune thyroid disorder, and sometimes when people around me get sick I always get sick. Always. It’s no fun and I take things to suppress it, but it doesn’t always roadblock it.

Come Saturday I was feeling fluish and my stomach was in it’s own version of hell. Monday I got a headache and it wasn’t like any headache I had ever had. It felt like what a migraine would feel like. Tuesday evening, I couldn’t stand it anymore, called the Nurse line and they told me to go to Emergency. Darcy came home from work and we went to the hospital.

I walked into the hospital with my sunglasses and an icepack strapped to my head. I looked AWESOME. After finding out I had a bad viral infection and I was pretty dehydrated, they hooked me up to a bunch of IV fluids and also gave me Morphine for the pain. Oh, but first they gave me Gravol for my nausea. Have you ever had Gravol in an IV? Goddamn that shit’s good.

I missed a whole week of work (I also have the most understanding boss, ever.) I basically ‘ate’ liquids for a week and now I basically have my water bottle strapped to my hip.

I’m mixing a little veggie/fruit juice with it to get my electrolytes back up, but I’m always drinking liquid.

I took this opportunity to quit drinking for a while. It’s sad that something like this ‘made me do it’, but it’s something that needed to be done for a while. Also, coffee.. It’s a diuretic and I’m sure it wasn’t helping with the dehydration either. I haven’t been eating much and I don’t crave sweets or anything like that either.

It’s funny how we know these things.. yet it takes things like this to help ourselves.

Also: weightloss. clear mind. other things. I feel awesome.

Hey, so you know all that talk about feeling cathartic and cleansing and yadda yadda yadda? Sure, I take myself seriously.. but does anyone else? How can they when I don’t even take myself seriously?

Today I’m struggling. And it’s nice to have an outlet to write about your struggles. If only I can tell you all of my struggles. I can, but I won’t. Why? Judgement. People judge. They are judgers. I am one. I don’t deny it at all.

Remember that book I started writing and a chapter formed? Yeah, I remember that too. Do you? It’s probably a distant memory. Me? Not so much a distant memory. Did I even save it in the crash of laptop 2011? Perhaps, I haven’t checked yet. I hope it’s there. If not, my former memory is pretty good.

Did you know I can write this blog while watching TV and no eyes on the keys? Yeah? Well, I can.

What’s important? Love. Relationships. Family. Friends. One more thing? Losing weight. Not important enough, obviously. I keep sabotaging myself.

Sure, I eat healthy. All day. Then sometimes I come home and eat like I’ve never eaten in my life. And then I have 3 servings in one glass of Skinny Girl Margarita.

Why do I do this? Urges. They come over me like a fat girl in a tutu. It’s just something you shouldn’t do. But I do it, because I can. And mostly, I do it alone. That makes me feel like no one knows, and then ashamed because .. what did I gain? Nothing.

See, I have all the answers.

Do you know who inspires me?

Tatiana (she doesn’t have an active blog, but we’re friends. We met in California years ago).

Raymi. (I’ve been reading her blog for a couple years. Every day she makes me smile. I understand her mania.)

Yet I can’t seem to get my shit together. These girls worked their asses off for the bodies they have. Raymi is also a superstar in her own right. I admire both of them. Maybe they think I’m crazy for even mentioning them, but while I sit here on my cellulite ridden ass, sipping my SKINNY GIRL margarita, I can still find inspiration. I am not one of those girls that thinks because they’re skinny they did something wrong. NO. They did it all right. Every step of the way. And they can still eat ‘badly’ and still get on the train.

Remember when I lost 40 pounds? Yeah, me too. I remember that. Do you? I never forget. Every single fucking day of my life. Struggles. Where it’s at. Join me.

P.S. this weekend I hemmed curtains in an almost straight line and I painted 2 paintings, cooked 3 meals and drank lots of wine. I also hung out with my boyfriend and his children and played with them and and and.. I can still be super. I am super.

Recently, I’ve been going through a very cathartic time in my life.

I am freeing myself from things/people/objects/you name it – in order to make my life better.  Does that person benefit my life? Nope. Bye. Do I need to keep an agenda from 2007 that reminded me of a time that wasn’t good? Nope. Do I really need to keep things for others because I feel that they might use them? Nope. Do I really need to keep people around that hurt me/aren’t true to me/kept me around for convenience? No no no.

Not only does this have to do with physical things, it is also very emotional. I am ridding myself of bad feelings and emotions – things that are associated with pain and suffering in the past.

Objects that are associated with a past life that I have to purge myself of. Obligations that I don’t need to carry anymore.

It’s a great feeling. Doing this though has made me put other things on the back burner, but I am okay with that. I am doing all of this one by one.

 It’s given me a chance to see what and how things fit into my life and how important they are. It’s a very internal thing.

I still struggle. Every day I struggle to accept the changes I have made and to make even more changes.

Do I really need that cookie? That extra glass of wine (or 3)? Is it going to mess up my life if I miss a social event? Will this person be disappointed if I do this or not? Answer: No.

My life is good. I am at the time in my life where I have an amazing supportive partner who has been nothing but amazing to me (and his 2 children, who I treat like my own). I have an amazing source of friends and as much as I feel alone, I know I’m not.

I’m looking forward to just living.