Hey, so you know all that talk about feeling cathartic and cleansing and yadda yadda yadda? Sure, I take myself seriously.. but does anyone else? How can they when I don’t even take myself seriously?
Today I’m struggling. And it’s nice to have an outlet to write about your struggles. If only I can tell you all of my struggles. I can, but I won’t. Why? Judgement. People judge. They are judgers. I am one. I don’t deny it at all.
Remember that book I started writing and a chapter formed? Yeah, I remember that too. Do you? It’s probably a distant memory. Me? Not so much a distant memory. Did I even save it in the crash of laptop 2011? Perhaps, I haven’t checked yet. I hope it’s there. If not, my former memory is pretty good.
Did you know I can write this blog while watching TV and no eyes on the keys? Yeah? Well, I can.
What’s important? Love. Relationships. Family. Friends. One more thing? Losing weight. Not important enough, obviously. I keep sabotaging myself.
Sure, I eat healthy. All day. Then sometimes I come home and eat like I’ve never eaten in my life. And then I have 3 servings in one glass of Skinny Girl Margarita.
Why do I do this? Urges. They come over me like a fat girl in a tutu. It’s just something you shouldn’t do. But I do it, because I can. And mostly, I do it alone. That makes me feel like no one knows, and then ashamed because .. what did I gain? Nothing.
See, I have all the answers.
Do you know who inspires me?
Tatiana (she doesn’t have an active blog, but we’re friends. We met in California years ago).
Raymi. (I’ve been reading her blog for a couple years. Every day she makes me smile. I understand her mania.)
Yet I can’t seem to get my shit together. These girls worked their asses off for the bodies they have. Raymi is also a superstar in her own right. I admire both of them. Maybe they think I’m crazy for even mentioning them, but while I sit here on my cellulite ridden ass, sipping my SKINNY GIRL margarita, I can still find inspiration. I am not one of those girls that thinks because they’re skinny they did something wrong. NO. They did it all right. Every step of the way. And they can still eat ‘badly’ and still get on the train.
Remember when I lost 40 pounds? Yeah, me too. I remember that. Do you? I never forget. Every single fucking day of my life. Struggles. Where it’s at. Join me.
P.S. this weekend I hemmed curtains in an almost straight line and I painted 2 paintings, cooked 3 meals and drank lots of wine. I also hung out with my boyfriend and his children and played with them and and and.. I can still be super. I am super.
Tags: alcohol, dark, deep, depression, mania, struggles, weight
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