One is going to be 11 in 1 day.
One is going to be 5 in 1.5 months.
I struggle. I struggle with my own intuition. How is it going to work (yes, I still ask this question)? We’re not a conventional family.
I’ve known the oldest since she was 6 and the youngest since she was 10 months old. I’ve been with Darcy for 4.5 years. We’re not married, but we may as well be (without the legal papers of course).
I struggle with the fact that I’m not perfect.
I wonder if they think I’m crazy? Why do they want to spend all this time with me? Why do they follow me around like puppy dogs? They must love me. No no no they must absolutely abhor me and it’s all a farce.
Internal dialogue is a bitch sometimes, isn’t it?
It’s just this: the kids love me. They respect me (most of the time). I discipline them as if they were my own. They have a mother, a father, and an extra parent which is hard for them. Of course it’s hard for them! How could it not be? I’m sure it’s also fun for them too. I know it’s fun for them.
But it’s not always fun for me.
My favourite part? When I come home and I see 2 children through the window, excited that I’m about to walk in the door. And then I get hugs (mostly from the youngest, since the oldest is not that affectionate!), and love. Hugs and Love and Excitement because I CAME HOME. CAN YOU TELL HOW EXCITING THAT IS? And if I’m in a bad mood, it goes away, because how can you not LOVE getting so much attention and excitement from 2 little beings?!
And through all the bad (which isn’t all that bad), there is so much good. So much love.
Yes, we struggle.
Yes, we sometimes can’t agree on how to parent.
Yes, we can’t agree on bed times.
Yes, I ask the ex-wife for advice at times.
Yes, I end up making him look like the bad guy.
Yes, I am the bad guy a lot of the time.
Yes, this is all perfectly normal and HEALTHY, right?