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It’s been a while.

A long while to make a lot of decisions on how life is going to be.

I realized that I can’t always say what I want. Sometimes it gets me into trouble.

But I can think the way I want and also, I can be me. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with being myself. Not changing for others.

Adapting is a different story, but alas.

——–

Recently, I have had a big weight lifted off my shoulders. Now, the argument (well there is no argument really) is that we shouldn’t be dancing on other people’s ‘graves’.  In this case though, I did.

I have not been a big advocate of telling the world about my life, because sometimes you tell the wrong people and they use it against you. This is not going to be something that can be used against me though.

On to the story. My awful horrible Stepfather was an awful horrible person. He did awful, horrible and yucky things to me.  For many years I’ve wondered if he was still in Seattle (where I grew up, where my Mom married him). I would always google his name. Nothing came up, ever. Finally something did and it was on a website where you can look up public records.

Well, I looked up his criminal history last week (yes I paid for it, sometimes curiosity is the best satiation one can receive in life). And I noticed a lot of charges that didn’t surprise me.

Domestic Violence charges (which got dropped by his baby mama because he was going to anger management classes.)
DUI’s up the yingyang!
Criminal Traffic offences (driving without a license – SHOCKING!)
Drug Trafficking!

Basically, there were 47 charges against him in some form.

And then the charges somehow trickled away.. the last one was in 2006. So I thought, okay it’s not up to date.

The next morning I thought there is no way he’s still alive. He’s dead. He’s gotta be dead. All of this has killed him. My intuition is pretty good.

Then I did some more digging, I found his name listed in one of the papers. An obituary. He died November 7th, 2011 in Tacoma, Washington.  His age & birthdate matched. It was him. OH MY GOSH IT WAS HIM AND HE IS DEAD.

I cried out of closure and relief. He will never be able to hurt me again. He’ll never find me. I’ll never have to track him down. He’s dead. Joy of all joys, he got what was coming to him. He still haunts me in my dreams (nightmares).

I never wished death upon anyone. And maybe in his life he asked for forgiveness. But you know what? These are things you will never forget. You can never forget the child you hurt. The pain you caused families. The threats, the lies, the drugs, the everything. You can’t forget that.

One thing I will remember is the day he died. It’s etched in my brain. I don’t know what he died from (and I don’t care, though I can only imagine what…), but all I know is that there is a part of my life that has been a little bit better because he won’t be ABLE TO HURT ANYONE ELSE. No, I’m not healed because he’s dead, but I’m relieved. There is a difference.

Now, I can only imagine that people that will need to be healed from the pain he caused them. Including me. I’m still dealing with it, 15 years later. This is why therapy is necessary. This is why talking about it helps. This is why I wrote this blog post. This is why I hate rape jokes (they aren’t funny, AT ALL). This is why… a lot of things.

As Socrates once said:

“Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.”

RIP.

p.s. if you ever feel like referencing, look up this blog post: In A Nutshell

I am always amazed when I go on vacation how different things are for different people.

Here I am, living in my little safe bubble, and there are people out there who don’t even know how to keep themselves in their own bubble.

Never have I witnessed such horrible (mostly food) parenting as I did when I was in Disneyland. I’m a judger, I judge. I’ll make no mistake about that. Sure, I give the kids candy sometimes, but when I saw a mother giving her children BIG HUGE CHOCOLATE COOKIES for breakfast at 9am inside the park, I died inside a little. I know I KNOW, you’re on vacation.. live a little right? ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

When I saw a very obese 3 year old munching on a big huge lollipop following her big obese parents, I wanted to punch them all in the face, except the child of course. Instead of wanting to help the parents, I wanted to send them to bootcamp.

Granted, I am not all that, but I could be about 10 bags of chips, I am not perfect either or skinny, but I am healthy! This is the problem – there is no way that these people don’t know that their children (and them) are getting fat because of their bad eating habits. It’s common sense.

Another thing I witnessed in Disneyland. Obese people on scooters.

You wouldn’t need a scooter if you stopped eating. Is that horrible that I think this way? Am I thinking outloud too much?

All of this has definitely made me more aware of my own self and how I treat my stepchildren – food wise and behaviour wise.

Bottom line is, if parents really cared about their children’s health, they would stop this nonsense. “Oh he only eats chicken nuggets.” No, he doesn’t. You only FEED HIM chicken nuggets.

I can brag a little that our kids eat every single thing we put in front of them. Because they were raised to not be picky and eat what’s in front of them. Sure, kids go through phases and don’t want to eat certain things, but ours eat mostly everything. That makes it so easy for us and when we go out as well.

So, I’m thankful for a world of smart and awesome people who do well on purpose. And hopefully nobody takes offense to how I feel on this subject. But I’m sure I am not the only one with this opinion in this world…

Healthy Little Girls

The worst thing you could ever do to yourself is Google your symptoms. I remember the second time I saw my new Dr., she asked me “What do you think is wrong with you?” When I was convinced I had Celiac’s disease. And I said, well, Dr. I googled my symptoms… Errrrrr… She stopped me right there.

Don’t ever do it, just don’t.

Let’s back up 10 days ago, I started feeling funny. Now, I’m lucky and have an auto immune thyroid disorder, and sometimes when people around me get sick I always get sick. Always. It’s no fun and I take things to suppress it, but it doesn’t always roadblock it.

Come Saturday I was feeling fluish and my stomach was in it’s own version of hell. Monday I got a headache and it wasn’t like any headache I had ever had. It felt like what a migraine would feel like. Tuesday evening, I couldn’t stand it anymore, called the Nurse line and they told me to go to Emergency. Darcy came home from work and we went to the hospital.

I walked into the hospital with my sunglasses and an icepack strapped to my head. I looked AWESOME. After finding out I had a bad viral infection and I was pretty dehydrated, they hooked me up to a bunch of IV fluids and also gave me Morphine for the pain. Oh, but first they gave me Gravol for my nausea. Have you ever had Gravol in an IV? Goddamn that shit’s good.

I missed a whole week of work (I also have the most understanding boss, ever.) I basically ‘ate’ liquids for a week and now I basically have my water bottle strapped to my hip.

I’m mixing a little veggie/fruit juice with it to get my electrolytes back up, but I’m always drinking liquid.

I took this opportunity to quit drinking for a while. It’s sad that something like this ‘made me do it’, but it’s something that needed to be done for a while. Also, coffee.. It’s a diuretic and I’m sure it wasn’t helping with the dehydration either. I haven’t been eating much and I don’t crave sweets or anything like that either.

It’s funny how we know these things.. yet it takes things like this to help ourselves.

Also: weightloss. clear mind. other things. I feel awesome.

Hey, so you know all that talk about feeling cathartic and cleansing and yadda yadda yadda? Sure, I take myself seriously.. but does anyone else? How can they when I don’t even take myself seriously?

Today I’m struggling. And it’s nice to have an outlet to write about your struggles. If only I can tell you all of my struggles. I can, but I won’t. Why? Judgement. People judge. They are judgers. I am one. I don’t deny it at all.

Remember that book I started writing and a chapter formed? Yeah, I remember that too. Do you? It’s probably a distant memory. Me? Not so much a distant memory. Did I even save it in the crash of laptop 2011? Perhaps, I haven’t checked yet. I hope it’s there. If not, my former memory is pretty good.

Did you know I can write this blog while watching TV and no eyes on the keys? Yeah? Well, I can.

What’s important? Love. Relationships. Family. Friends. One more thing? Losing weight. Not important enough, obviously. I keep sabotaging myself.

Sure, I eat healthy. All day. Then sometimes I come home and eat like I’ve never eaten in my life. And then I have 3 servings in one glass of Skinny Girl Margarita.

Why do I do this? Urges. They come over me like a fat girl in a tutu. It’s just something you shouldn’t do. But I do it, because I can. And mostly, I do it alone. That makes me feel like no one knows, and then ashamed because .. what did I gain? Nothing.

See, I have all the answers.

Do you know who inspires me?

Tatiana (she doesn’t have an active blog, but we’re friends. We met in California years ago).

Raymi. (I’ve been reading her blog for a couple years. Every day she makes me smile. I understand her mania.)

Yet I can’t seem to get my shit together. These girls worked their asses off for the bodies they have. Raymi is also a superstar in her own right. I admire both of them. Maybe they think I’m crazy for even mentioning them, but while I sit here on my cellulite ridden ass, sipping my SKINNY GIRL margarita, I can still find inspiration. I am not one of those girls that thinks because they’re skinny they did something wrong. NO. They did it all right. Every step of the way. And they can still eat ‘badly’ and still get on the train.

Remember when I lost 40 pounds? Yeah, me too. I remember that. Do you? I never forget. Every single fucking day of my life. Struggles. Where it’s at. Join me.

P.S. this weekend I hemmed curtains in an almost straight line and I painted 2 paintings, cooked 3 meals and drank lots of wine. I also hung out with my boyfriend and his children and played with them and and and.. I can still be super. I am super.

Recently, I’ve been going through a very cathartic time in my life.

I am freeing myself from things/people/objects/you name it – in order to make my life better.  Does that person benefit my life? Nope. Bye. Do I need to keep an agenda from 2007 that reminded me of a time that wasn’t good? Nope. Do I really need to keep things for others because I feel that they might use them? Nope. Do I really need to keep people around that hurt me/aren’t true to me/kept me around for convenience? No no no.

Not only does this have to do with physical things, it is also very emotional. I am ridding myself of bad feelings and emotions – things that are associated with pain and suffering in the past.

Objects that are associated with a past life that I have to purge myself of. Obligations that I don’t need to carry anymore.

It’s a great feeling. Doing this though has made me put other things on the back burner, but I am okay with that. I am doing all of this one by one.

 It’s given me a chance to see what and how things fit into my life and how important they are. It’s a very internal thing.

I still struggle. Every day I struggle to accept the changes I have made and to make even more changes.

Do I really need that cookie? That extra glass of wine (or 3)? Is it going to mess up my life if I miss a social event? Will this person be disappointed if I do this or not? Answer: No.

My life is good. I am at the time in my life where I have an amazing supportive partner who has been nothing but amazing to me (and his 2 children, who I treat like my own). I have an amazing source of friends and as much as I feel alone, I know I’m not.

I’m looking forward to just living.

Recently I’ve been taking a stance on my health/habits. I’m getting older (32!), and I don’t want to wait until it’s too late to change things.

I can’t change the world, but I can change my habits (somewhat).

A few months ago I got a new Dr., and suffice to say she is amazing and has inspired me to look within emotionally, instead of blaming things physically. It has done wonders for my life. Paired with my awesome Clinical Counselor (who, oops I haven’t seen for a while, which is good I guess?), life is pretty good.

I have pretty much given on up being skinny. Skinny is another word for a lot of things, and you know what? My goal in life is to BE HEALTHY. I don’t want to be a critic and I don’t want to be a crazy health nut – I just want to change the way I do things.

After testing negative for Celiac disease (thank goodness), and testing positive for Anemia (not so good), and fluctuating blood sugar (eh), and a Thyroid specialist appointment (don’t eat the white stuffs, GiGi!).. I’ve just switched a few things around.

1. As gluten free as I possibly can. It’s impossible for me to be 100% gluten free as there are other people in my life. And that would mean I’d have to throw a lot of stuff away, and I don’t want to do that. My stomach loves me. I don’t have the horrid stomach pains I used to get. Digesting meat is still a problem sometimes, but I deal with it. Eating gluten free makes me feel a little better about my body. I remember a time when I used to eat wheat gluten ‘meat’ and would get SO SICK that I would be in the bathroom all night. Proof that meat is NOT the enemy, uh huh.

2. Eating more vegetarian meals high in protein (no, you don’t need meat to sustain, but I like meat and I eat it, but I used to be a vegetarian and well, I still can cook awesome veg meals with my eyes closed!)

3. Limiting sugars. This is hard. I like wine, , I like baked goods, I like my girly drinks. Instead of using sweeteners I have been using natural sugars like coconut sugar, which has a very low glycemic index rating. No more sweeteners, which haven’t done anything for me anyway. Of course I will have the occasional muffin, or cookie or piece of cake. Moderation.

4. I take lots of vitamins every day. B Complex, Vitamin D, Vitamin C, L-Tyrosine, MegaZyme (enzymes for my stomach), and Chromium Polynicotinate (not picolinate).

5. I’m not on a diet. I gave up on ‘diets’. It has such a bad stigma attached to it. Breakfast and lunch are my healthiest meals – dinner is usually whatever I want. Sometimes it’s really good for me, and sometimes it’s a steak that has butter on it. I just can’t go through life depriving myself. That doesn’t mean making myself fat though, it just means indulging, but also being smart and again.. moderation is key.

There are days when I struggle and I binge on junk food and feel sick. I’m not going to lie about that. Why? Really.

My skin! My skin has been pretty good. No major break outs on my face.

Here are items I’ve been using lately:

Use this in your coffee, in your baking and whatever else you use regular sugar in.

Rice Flour and Gluten Free all purpose flour. I like to mix both of them together in place of regular flours. Also, you need to use guar and xantham gum or just each individual in place of the gluten you would have from regular flour. I just recently made a bechamel sauce that was gluten free!

It’s so easy to modify your recipes to make them gluten free or *insert whatever free you want to be here* recipe. Seriously, it’s not that hard. All it takes is some research. Yes, these ingredients are a bit more expensive than regular ingredients, but it’s for my health!

I’m not doing this because I CAN’T eat the other things, I’m doing it because I feel better. I don’t do it 24/7 though, and that’s okay. I do it most of the time, lately.

Sites I love:

Naturally Ella

Gojee.com

SmittenKitchen

Gluten Free Goddess

Also, I bought a book for Thyroid recipes. It’s silly, but all the recipes in this book can be modified to be Gluten Free as well! Amazing.

No, it’s not. The title comes from a Kings of Convenience song and it’s very metaphorical. I remember a time when I wish that everything could be said in metaphors. These days, not a lot of people get what a metaphor is or even know how to use it. But that’s the long lost poet in me coming out.

These days, these months, they’ve all taught me a little bit about life and how I want to lead it. You get rid of the unnecessary people, objects and things in life, you purge, you aren’t apologetic to things that make you feel good/like you did the right thing. You surround yourself with the people you want to be surrounded by, not the passers in the night or the ones that keep you around to save face or look pretty.

I crave routine and spontaneity at the same time.

How those two collide is unknown, but they do. I want most of my experiences to have meaning and I want to spend my time unwasted. You would be surprised how often and how much people waste time.. myself included!

Going to therapy and talking out my feelings and being honest about my experiences in life has left me less jaded than before. I still have moments of fury and rage and anger, but I’m allowed to feel all of those emotions. When people get upset when someone is angry, it fuels the fire. Emotions exist for us to utilize them, don’t you think?

Being open and honest is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It’s allowed me to see eye to eye with myself and the ones that I love. It’s allowed me to get rid of the ones I don’t want around, and also open my eyes to fleeting memories that are just that.

Basically, what I’m saying is.. I’m not apologizing for who I am, or what I do or the mistakes I make or the good things I do, or the people I love, and the people I don’t love.

I will leave you with this line from ‘My Ship Isn’t Pretty’:

the cargo lies in our laps
they’re weight is so heavy
and this is all we know
our message will need a ship
to travel across oceans
that can’t otherwise be crossed

It’s been ages since I’ ve done a show review.

Ever since Rocksellout.com became defunct, so did I it seems.

Last night I went to a show that made me wonder why I haven’t been to a show in so long.  Right, Sunday evenings when you have to work Mondays and you’re drinking 151 and Diet Coke isn’t such a good idea, but bands that you love are.

First up Hooray for Earth – where on earth did they come from? Why haven’t they been on my playlist? Be still my partially beating heart they made me almost shed a tear. Definitely tinges of M83 sounds paired with a little A Place to Bury Strangers, and maybe some Depeche Mode. But they are their own and they are to be loved. Like I said to the band, they create sexual music, and you can feel it. All I know is that the people need to know about Hooray for Earth, and Vancouver, I am here to tell you to listen to them.

Architecture in Helsinki of course totally shined. I remember when I first heard them in 2007 and it was a ‘what the fuck moment’ and I totally fell in love. Of course, the song I was totally waiting for – Contact High was the last song. A good ending to the night. Great performers and a total dance a thon with my feet.

Both of these bands are not for everyone and I immediately figured that out when people asked me what show I was going to, and I was met with a very confused look. Yo, not Finland. They’re from Australia. Tons of Australians at the show too, which was awesome.

Next to the Jens Lekman show I went to a couple years ago, this is definitely one of the best shows I’ve been to in my show career.

My favourite part of the evening was when I randomly went up to someone and asked them why they weren’t dancing and their reply was “This is Vancouver, they don’t dance.” Don’t be that person that doesn’t dance when the music MAKES YOU WANT TO DANCE. Vancouver, I love you, but every single show I’ve been to was met with bobbing heads and tapping feet. Just move your fucking bodies, it’s not that hard. And it’s fun and you make people smile, so DANCE! The 4 of us took it to the floor and I think at least the 2 of us danced.

Thanks to Architecture in Helsinki and Hooray for Earth for putting on amazing show. Vancouver needs more of your types kicking up the dust.

Watch Hooray for Earth’s ‘True Loves’ video here :  True Loves

My Photographs, click after the jump (which didn’t turn out so good, so disappointed):

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Recently I made a decision in my life that will impact it in a good way.

I decided to change my Dr. I felt that my relationship with my Dr. was stale and he wasn’t listening to my needs/wants/concerns as much as he could have. I spent an average of about 10 minutes with him each visit. I felt rushed and not able to voice myself as I constantly felt rushed, which in turn made me feel like a hypochondriac.

The day they called me to tell me my Pap Smear was ‘Unsatisfactory’ and to come back in 6 months was the day I called the UBC Health Clinic to make an appointment where someone would hopefully listen to me and my history.

To me, waiting 6 months to get checked again was.. flabbergasting really. What if something was wrong? What if I had a tumor? What if what if what if? Not wanting to wait for the what if’s of life, I had my appointment at UBC. Their general rule is that you see a different student or resident Dr. every time, but I got lucky and now have a new family Dr.  Being that I do need consistency in my life – and respectful of that, my shiny new Dr. is a wom

an. And maybe being a woman has nothing to do with it, but my first appointment with her was an hour. My second appointment was 45 minutes. She had to collect my history and also suss me out a bit I’m sure.

Can you imagine someone sitting down and listening to you and trying to figure things out for 45 minutes? I couldn’t have either.

I am so relieved to have someone who is willing to listen to my concerns. The only problem is now doing a bunch of tests that I’ve done before, but doing them with someone who is willing to say “Hey your iron levels are really low, showing that you’re anemic, so let’s do something about it.” This was a test result that my ex-Dr. HAD and I guess didn’t think that maybe I was tired all the time due to this? Something so simple and so fixable. An iron pill a day for anemia, who would have thought?!

I’m getting a bunch of blood tests done for various issues and well I’m on the road to figuring out what my body is telling me. And maybe it won’t tell me anything. My Dr. is also willing to say “Hey they have a department for this at the University, are you interested?” And BAM just like that I can talk to other people who have the same problem and get advice and oh my gosh, it’s a whole new life for me now.

I am also thankful for my counsellor who listens to me as well. I have 2 women in my life that are amazing and want to ‘fix’ me, but I have to help them along the way a little bit.

This whole cycle of life thing is easy. You fight, you love, you have sex, you eat (sometimes too much), you hang out with your friends, you hang out with your family.

Then you figure out what it is that you love, what it is that you want to spend most of your time on.

I’m getting to the place where if it doesn’t benefit my life in a good way, I don’t want it. And this means friendships that I thought at one time had some meaning, that don’t anymore. And sometimes family. Just because someone is your ‘family’ doesn’t mean you need to like them. And so, I pick and choose. Is it selfish? Maybe. Do I care what people think? I try not to.

Why do I have to call you? Why do I have to make contact

? Why do I always need to make ‘plans’? On the other side are people who have their own children, and just because the children in my life are not my own, doesn’t mean I need to do all of this. It’s called balance. It’s called doing the right thing.

I’m done with this whole mindset of people who I’ve likened myself to at some point in my life. I’m tired of doing things for free just because. If I don’t like it, I don’t like it and that’s how it is. Don’t try to make me feel better because you have an issue. Tell me. Or don’t. Just say bye. It’s so easy! My feelings will be hurt, yours may too, but this is just life. And sometimes life sucks, but most of the time it doesn’t because you make it good.

My time is valuable. And so is yours. Make it worth it. Make it worth your while, make it worth my while.

What am I trying to say here? A lot, but also so little.