What it is.

Taste of Sanity
December 27th, 2012

The art of gratitude, or not.

2012 was like a reflective pool of awesomeness. I learned a lot about myself and about the people around me (as well as.. the people I don’t want around me).

I learned that it’s OKAY to have expectations and if those expectations don’t follow through that it’s OKAY to be disappointed.

They always says “Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.” As much as I would love to believe that phrase, I can’t. I cannot accept that I should have low expectations from people. There are certain moments when you have to let it roll off your back, but I will be damned if I don’t have any expectations of anything or anyone in this world.

I mean, I have high expectations of myself, so why would I lower that for anyone else? I don’t.

I read a great article in Psychology Today (my favourite mag) and it really made me go “YES, THAT!” The Healing Gift of Non Gratitude. I wish I would have found it sooner, as it would have explained all the fluff going on in my head.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201212/the-healing-gift-non-gratitude

Reading that in the past week was my a-ha moment, if there ever was one.

I still cry.
I still am sad.
I still am angry.
I still am happy.
I still laugh.
I still LOVE and I still LIVE.

I trust my feelings.

And it’s okay. It’s all okay. I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to accept things I don’t want to. I don’t have to believe something just because you tell me so. I don’t have to have low expectations because that’s the way it should be (it shouldn’t). I don’t have to believe in anything if I don’t want to. I don’t have to do what you tell me because you think you can.

Does that make sense? In my head it does. Here’s to an eye opening 2013.

Most of all, this is my world, right here.

My world.

They saved me. They’ve made me a better person. And I, in turn, get to take care of them.

I love you Veronica, Natalie & Darcy. Without you, I would be a shell of myself. With you, I am a hard shell full of love.

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January 26th, 2012

So, here we are.

A couple things.

I made a decision to put my Photography on hiatus.

1. I don’t market myself, ever. I don’t pimp myself out as hard as others.
2. Friends don’t ask for photo’s anymore, and that’s okay. I’m still here, just not so out there about it.
3. I’ve become lazy and also have found other hobbies.
4. My camera is getting REALLY old and I need new equipment. The goal is to do all of this in the next year.
5. I don’t even know that I want to do it anymore. Time changes, and I might change my mind. Who knows?

I’m still going to do ad-hoc projects if need be, but right now, I have no portfolio online. I don’t know if this is all a good thing or not. It just is.

In other news, I am alive.

ALIVE! Things are going quite well. I am on the road to paying off my debt (end of April 2012, baby!)

My job is great. I was just promoted. I am now not only the assisted to the VP of Operations, I am the office administrator, which kind of makes me a manager, but I’m working my way up. It feels good to be needed and to get the recognition. I have a lot of support from coworkers and the employees here, which makes it that much more fantastic. I’m looking forward to learning all about how to be a Manager and what not to do/what to do and all that jazz.

I’m also looking forward to my Vegas vacation in April, a potential  California trip in summer, a family vacation to who knows where in the fall, and maybe next year I will FINALLY go to Argentina. Dreams!

Also, I am completely in love with Jayne Mansfield. I want to look like a 50′s starlet all the time. That’s my goal. It’s silly, but that’s who I am. I bought a starlets book for Christmas for myself and every once in a while I like to leaf through and pick who I’m in love with that day. Lately, it’s Jayne.

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July 19th, 2011

My Ship Isn’t Pretty

No, it’s not. The title comes from a Kings of Convenience song and it’s very metaphorical. I remember a time when I wish that everything could be said in metaphors. These days, not a lot of people get what a metaphor is or even know how to use it. But that’s the long lost poet in me coming out.

These days, these months, they’ve all taught me a little bit about life and how I want to lead it. You get rid of the unnecessary people, objects and things in life, you purge, you aren’t apologetic to things that make you feel good/like you did the right thing. You surround yourself with the people you want to be surrounded by, not the passers in the night or the ones that keep you around to save face or look pretty.

I crave routine and spontaneity at the same time.

How those two collide is unknown, but they do. I want most of my experiences to have meaning and I want to spend my time unwasted. You would be surprised how often and how much people waste time.. myself included!

Going to therapy and talking out my feelings and being honest about my experiences in life has left me less jaded than before. I still have moments of fury and rage and anger, but I’m allowed to feel all of those emotions. When people get upset when someone is angry, it fuels the fire. Emotions exist for us to utilize them, don’t you think?

Being open and honest is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It’s allowed me to see eye to eye with myself and the ones that I love. It’s allowed me to get rid of the ones I don’t want around, and also open my eyes to fleeting memories that are just that.

Basically, what I’m saying is.. I’m not apologizing for who I am, or what I do or the mistakes I make or the good things I do, or the people I love, and the people I don’t love.

I will leave you with this line from ‘My Ship Isn’t Pretty’:

the cargo lies in our laps
they’re weight is so heavy
and this is all we know
our message will need a ship
to travel across oceans
that can’t otherwise be crossed

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April 19th, 2011

In a Nutshell

I’m going to be honest with you (as if I’m not already!)

I am 5 years old inside. Inside of me lives this little girl that LOVES to laugh and joke and cry and scream and throw tantrums and eat FRUIT ROLL UPS and ‘steal’ M&M’s from the cupboard.

As I write this, I am currently doing adult things like defrosting my smoked salmon on the counter for my snack when Darcy comes home from playing board games tonight. And other adult things like making sure my lunch is packed for tomorrow and if I have enough gas in my car to get to Langley for my monthly meetings. I went to the gym tonight and sweated my ass off, and all I could think about coming home was this blog post that I’ve been wanting to write for a long time.

When I was 6 my Mom took me and my Brother Milan to Seattle to leave everything behind. She left my alcoholic father and she left the world she knew to make a new world for us.

I grew up really fast. I had to take care of my brother when I was young (and he was even younger). Sometimes we had a babysitter and sometimes we didn’t. Aside from the fact that it was a little scary, at the time I never thought anything of it until now. Basically, I lost my childhood. I don’t blame it on my Mom. She had choices to make and these things came with the territory. I’m going to fast forward a little bit..

When I was a little girl, I was abused by my stepfather. Hiding physical and sexual abuse is not something I want to do anymore. For years and years people would wonder why I was in therapy and why I had ‘issues’. Well I’ll tell you what.

I’m 31 years old and not afraid to admit that I was sexually abused and physically abused for many years and I lost my virginity in the worst way any child could. Kids, I grew up real quick.

I was ashamed and I was hurt and tortured and emotionally and physically battered and today I am alive to talk about it. I have problems and issues and I go to therapy because it takes many years to heal from years of this sick and maddening thing that happened. Every day I thought I was going to die.

Hey, you know what? I’ll tell you what I don’t do. I don’t use it as an excuse. I abused drugs. I drank (I still do sometimes), I had promiscuous sex. All of it. I did it. And who knows why I did it. Some people say I did it because I was abused, but then again I know a lot of people who weren’t abused, but still did all these things that you’re supposed to do because you’re ‘fucked up’.

I am proud of myself to day. I’m proud of what I’ve become and where I am and who I’m with and my life and my friends and my family. None of it is perfect, but it’s mine and I love it everyday. Some days, I want to run away because I feel like I can’t handle it, and some days I cry because I am so damn lucky to be where I am today.

I’m not afraid to admit my faults or my short comings. I’m not afraid to admit when I’ve done good and how awesome I think I am. No one should ever be judged for things they had/have no control over. Ever.

I am just thankful for life. That I have it, that I live it and that I know not everyone has the opportunities that I do (or vice versa!)

So what I’m trying to say – is that there are days when I’m 5 years old. Or 8, or 12, or even 15. Because I never had the chance. And today I do.

XO,

Gina

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March 2nd, 2011

I like to call it ‘Life Experience’.

I love my boyfriends children. They are great. They are fun and full of energy. They love me, I love them.

Veronica had a birthday! 4!

However, this still means I am not their mother or their father. I struggle with this. Do I sit back and watch them do things I know they shouldn’t be doing or do I discipline them? I discipline them. I have back up from their Dad, so that helps. Their Mom also encourages me to find what’s right for me and the children. That’s helpful and I’m thankful that we can all get along in that aspect.

Natalie appreciates sad rainbow cupcake guy.

The weekends though, are feeling longer. The older one is not sleeping well (I assume due to hormones/puberty) and she is feeling more needier. This doesn’t bode well with me as I was an independent child (ask my Mom!) .. I can only comfort her for so long and so much before I lose sight of the problem at hand and before I feel like she is taking advantage of my willingness to help.

Silly Putty wins.

That means that I’m awake, Dad is awake and the kids are awake. Not only going to bed late, but waking up early (630!!!) on the weekends is totally unacceptable to me.

I always try to make them feel special :)

Now, people ask me why I don’t want my own kids? Prime example: Babies don’t really let you sleep. I don’t want that life, I don’t covet that life and I never ever wanted to have that life. And I never will.

Being with a m

an who has children that are NOT babies, I thought this would be perfect. Well, I’m learning it’s not all perfect. For one must remember the time when they were children and waking up their parents all the time. Or did they? I’m confused about all of this. Is it normal? Is there anything else I can do to help her?

I love them to death, I would die for them as if they were my own children.. but sometimes it’s so defeating and I feel like I’m failing. Even though I get assurance I am doing the right thing, there has to be more that I can do.

Starting next week, there is no more chances. Sometimes they have a problem with listening and asking them 3 times in a row to do something is maddening. So next week, we’re instilling the ‘no chances’ policy and we’ll see how that works. Yes it sucks, yes they cry, but it’s the only way that I am going to hopefully be able to gain more respect and they will know that I’m serious about everything.

I’m hoping it works. If it doesn’t, I’ll find a new way. And when I say I, I should say ‘we’ because their Dad is with me on this one. I know it’s hard for him, but it’s hard for me too.

It’s very difficult being the girlfriend in a relationship with kids. It’s harder than being a Mother. And I have more respect for people who are in relationships with kids who are not their own, because I’m going through it.

I know it was my choice, and it’s a choice that I’m willing to take a risk at. When you love someone, you love them unconditionally and you also love their children. And if you can’t, then you have a big problem.

Suffice to say, I’m struggling. Some days I don’t struggle at all and then there are days where I don’t know what else to do but cry. Crying is definitely not for babies anymore. Crying is the new black.

No woe is me here, you know? It’s the reality of the situation at hand. I must tell you that therapy has pretty much kept my sane and above water and less destructive.

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November 24th, 2010

Writer’s Block?

I was on a good wr iti

ng/blogging streak for a while. And then I lost it. Too many other things get in the way.. like life.

See that guy? And those kids? I love them to death. They take up a lot of my time.

Even the writing of my book. Chapter 2 and I stopped. And who knows what those chapters may turn into at the end. They may be divvied up into 3. I may stop writing the book altogether.  Really, no, even if that damn book takes me 50 years to write, I’m going to do it.

Art. I like it. It likes me. I like to take old photographs and put them into frames. Voila, easy art!

Because who doesn’t love an autographed photo of Cyd Charisse?

I’ve been cooking a lot. Winter makes me crave comfort. Cooking gives me comfort.

I’ve been working out a lot. About a month and a half ago I finally joined a proper gym. Not that the Community Centre wasn’t a proper gym, but their equipment was old and the wait in line just to use the weights was annoying, as well as the 17 year old wanna-be muscle demons were grating on my nerves. And the $42 price tag every month was a bit steep. Now I’m at She’s Fit and I can go to any of their locations for only $25/month. And I don’t have to deal with leering perverts. Just women who keep to themselves (mostly!)

I also dressed up for a Halloween party in November called Noveween. I’ve never done that before. I was a devil in a red dress.

I also went to California in September.. Maybe I’ll write about that too.

That’s all.. for now!

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March 2nd, 2010

I’ve been inspired.

When I moved to Vancouver in September 08 I never thought I’d be living the life I’ve wanted to live.

I lived in a shell. In Langley. I was married for 9 years. I was a strict Christian and by strict I mean ‘fake’ and I didn’t want that life. But I played along for many years, because I thought that was the Right Thing.

I really have been living my life in the past 2 years. I got my driver’s license, I went to many cities in the USA, I went to Europe and I settled down with the man of my dreams.  Though by settled I mean together, not married.

There shall be no more marriage for us. My dreams became reality.

And here I am. To share that with you. And the crazies, too.

Oops

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